So, some time has passed since my last entry. I think about making them a lot, but never actually sit down to do it. Do you do that with something in your life? Have every intention of doing something, but life just gets in the way? Whether "life" is a family emergency, social media, a TV show that catches your attention, etc? Yeah, me too.
It's been a busy summer! I had an amazing time at my company's convention in Denver in July, Spent a ton of time at Safeco Field with the love of my life, and we just got back from spending a week in the wilderness at Kalaloch Beach with our extended family. We also celebrated 6 years of being married on Sunday. It's a pretty fantastic time for me right now.
That's not to say that I haven't had my own trials recently. We've been battling with our insurance company and a specialist's office for a procedure related to our fertility struggles. We have spent a LOT of time crying out to God for answers, patience and peace, knowing He will come through for us, just not knowing how or when. I also have been struggling to find the motivation or inspiration to overcome the negative voices in my head about the completely attainable goal I have of earning the Spa Destination Trip to the Dominican Republic with my Lemongrass Spa Products business. If I am not over-achieving, my human/perfectionist brain tells me I might as well give up. *insert the clip of the record screeching to a halt here*
Wait... WHAT?! Why am I thinking like this?? Because I'm not placing my faith in God, I'm placing it in me. That's an issue. Philippians 4:13 says, "I can do all things through Christ who is my strength." Note that it doesn't say I can do all things because I'm awesome. It's through Christ because HE is my strength. Yes, I'm a "strong" woman. I am a business owner, I'm a survivor - but I'm only those things because of Him. He gave me life, He gives my my dreams, He directs my path. When I put my eyes on Him, when I ask Him for my direction, to show my what my next step is, things may not get easier, but they do get more clear and I can see my path more clearly - maybe even a light at the end of the tunnel.
I got a new tattoo yesterday. It is the word "Brave" with an arrow. Lots of people are making the correlation with the Disney Princess with which I share a hair color, spunk and the first few letters of our names. While that's a big fat bonus, my love of that little spitfire isn't what inspired my new ink. It's a reminder that He makes me a Warrior. I Am Fruitful posted an instagram story this morning reading from Zechariah 10:3b-5. We were created to be warriors, and He is with us, fighting, holding us up, leading us through.
One of my very favorite worship songs is "You Make Me Brave" by Bethel Music. We weren't made to stay on the shore, friends. He is making a way for us to get out of our comfort zones and accomplish things we never thought we could! "No fear can hinder now the promises you've made" - How powerful is that lyric? Lord knows I need to be reminded of that daily, if not hourly! Another song I'm absolutely in love with (along with the artist) is "Brave" by Sara Bareilles. Whenever I need a little pick-me-up or a kick in the butt to get going, this song is one of my go-tos. If you need some encouragement, speak up! If you've got encouragement to share, speak up! I want to see everyone I know and love be brave in their own way.
I'm a smart woman. I'm not afraid to say it, I'm not afraid to own it. I know quite a bit about a few different subjects and I'm well educated. I'm very fortunate in that. I live in a country where that is acceptable and encouraged. I'm not ashamed of it, and it's not a bad thing, but it bites me in the butt a lot.
When we accept Jesus as our Savior, there is a surrender that happens. We tell Him that He is our Lord, He is in control, and we know that His plans are the best for us. My father was an alcohol and drug counselor for a time and had sparkly stickers in his office that said, "Let Go and let God." For type-A, organized planners like me, that is much easier said than done. Of course, being a smart woman, and looking back at situations that have turned our well in my life, and can see that happened because I did exactly what those sparkly stickers said.
Case in point: When I was 26 I swore off men. I decided that since my "picker" was obviously malfunctioning that I was quitting. About couple weeks before I turned 27, the Holy Spirit spoke to me while I was complaining about the frequency of the match.com commercials being shown, telling me that my husband would be there. 3 weeks after that birthday, I got a message from Corey, and the rest, as they say (whoever they are), is history.
That's a pretty intense show of how trusting Him is the way to go, right? You'd think it would make trusting Him in other situations easy. Maybe for some people, but not me. I'm stubborn and my brain takes over. I forget about how God saved us from buying a house that would've tied us to Yakima when Corey got promoted and we felt His call to stay. I forget that He put our amazing friends here in Puyallup with a house that had extra room and gave them extra large hearts to take us in for months and months. I forget that He has brought both Corey and I through bouts of depression and PTSD in our lives. For as smart as I am, I sure do a lot of forgetting.
The verse that is often quoted about God's plans is Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." That's great! I mean, it's God's Word, so it's good. What strikes me in times when I'm questioning His plan and how His timeframe is not what I'd like it to be comes from the book of 2 Kings, from verse 5, "I have heard your prayer; I have seen your tears. Behold, I will heal you." Maybe I like
This journey of infertility that we are on is hard, but so is the rest of life. I was telling Corey today as he reassured me that this is just a season we are going through, that I'm ready for a lighter season. We are waiting for a lot of things right now, listening for a lot of answers, looking for direction.
In light of all of that, here's my new prayer, "Heavenly Father, I'm impatient, but you know that. I lose hope, I don't trust You like I should. Help me to hold tight to your promises. Help us to find joy in this season, while we wait and listen. Help us to see You in everything we do. Thank you for the gift of our marriage, for our lives and for never giving up on us. Help us to see every blessing you give us for the miracle it is. In Jesus' name, Amen."
One of the items on my vision board for this year was to start and maintain a blog, so here it is. Well, the start at least. I've felt really compelled to start writing again, now that we're getting settled into the new house.
Last year was for sure a journey for us. It was about this time last year that we were only 75% sure we were going to be moving to Puyallup. Check that, Corey was only 75% sure, I already knew we were moving. Looking back now, it was a whirlwind that seemed to drag on forever while we were living through it, but God was faithful in every step. We live in a home that I only could've dreamed of when I was younger, the transition to living with Corey's mom has gone absolutely swimmingly, and we have grown our friend-base from the amazing two we started out living with to a small group of amazing people we know we can count on to make us laugh and lift us up. Many of those friends we have met through the small-group ministry of our church, Community Group.
I decided to speak up yesterday in our Community Group and admit that I have been feeling depression trying to creep it's way back into my heart and mind recently, and I'm so glad I didn't let my pride get in the way of that. All of the changes in the last year have been really hard for me, and now that most of the change has taken place and the "normal" of not being in Yakima, not being on staff at the church, not having the wonderful friendships within a 20 minute radius and learning a new city and life has hit me hard. Being vulnerable and receiving the prayers of the group, knowing that will continue through the weeks until we meet again was worth it. John 1:5 (ESV) says, "The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." How very true and reassuring that is. Dear friends, if you have darkness in your life, invite the light to shine on it, for that darkness cannot prevail.
Depression is a liar and a thief and a tool of the enemy. My particular body make-up is prone to Depression because of the chemical imbalances PCOS causes. It looks different on me than some people. It doesn't make me sad or withdrawn at the beginning. I get suspicious, I can't sleep, I take on the negative emotions of others SUPER easily, I fall back into my "little kid place" where I am sure everyone is mad at me and if I make one wrong move I'll be all alone, my thoughts aren't what they should be and they're much harder to shake than when I'm not dealing with depression.
I am beyond blessed to have a partner and husband that understands what depression does, how it lies and the signs of it in me. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him in my life, in my ear and when I need it, in my face telling me what he sees and the truths I need to hear.
I try to hold to a few key Bible verses that help me. I'll share them here, but feel free to leave your favorite verses that get you through your tough times in the comments.
A 30-something living life in the PNW. Wife, Jesus-follower, Business Owner, Hockey Lover, Craft & Glitter Obsessed.